WASHINGTON, D.C. — Brian Cole Jr., a 30-year-old from Woodbridge, Virginia, appeared visibly baffled Friday as he entered federal court to face charges for allegedly planting pipe bombs outside both the Democratic and Republican National Committee headquarters, apparently unaware that homemade explosive devices are not considered part of the nation’s revered protest traditions.

“I just thought people left symbolic objects at political headquarters, like protest signs or angry tweets,” Cole said in a statement read by his attorney. “How was I supposed to know pipe bombs weren’t a First Amendment thing?”

Prosecutors allege that on January 5, 2021, Cole quietly placed explosive devices near key government buildings while sporting what witnesses described as “the most suspicious outfit since Carmen Sandiego.” Authorities say the pipe bombs were discovered before anyone was harmed, though several pigeons were reportedly startled into flying in the general direction of Congress.

“Frankly, his plot was doomed from the start,” said retired FBI agent Malory Trubshaw. “He bought all the bomb-making supplies from a CVS down the street using his real name and then called an Uber to the scene. Amateur hour.”

Political experts say the unprecedented bipartisan targeting has left both parties scrambling to update their security protocols. “We’re considering replacing all front door locks with those tricky hotel key cards,” said DNC spokesman Todd Fritchley. “Also, maybe a bigger ‘No Bombs’ sign.”

If convicted, Cole faces up to 20 years in prison and, according to his defense team, “an intensive educational seminar on the difference between ‘protest’ and ‘felony explosives.’”