In a keynote address delivered from an undisclosed, fully automated location, Siemens CEO Roland Busch declared his company’s intention to “automate everything,” up to and including human emotion, sandwich assembly, and the concept of leisure time itself.

“We used to automate factories,” Busch explained to a group of nervous-looking engineers standing at attention before an AI-powered PowerPoint. “But why stop there? By 2027, Siemens will roll out automation for household chores, existential crises, and, if the board approves, the delicate process of making eye contact.”

Siemens’ upcoming ONE Tech Fabric™ will seamlessly integrate with all aspects of life, from ordering coffee to organizing family reunions (now held on Zoom, with avatars generated by proprietary Siemens DNA-matching software). “We expect to have an AI agent for every meaningful human function,” said Dr. Ulli Botman, Chief Automation Evangelist at Siemens. “Our prototype, ‘AutoSpouse™,’ can already sense marital tension and schedule therapy sessions—automatically, of course.”

Not everyone is on board. Longtime Siemens employee Gunter Klein voiced concerns. “I was excited when we automated the trains. I was less excited when my job performance reviews were replaced by an algorithm that only speaks in traffic light colors,” he confided, motioning nervously at the blinking red pin on his shirt.

Asked about fears of mass unemployment, Busch was reassuring. “Look, we’ll still need people to reboot the AI when it inevitably experiences existential dread at 3 a.m. That’s the future of work. And possibly parenting.”

By the end of 2024, Siemens hopes to unveil a Digital Twin of Roland Busch himself, capable of attending up to 40 earnings calls simultaneously while expressing genuine, automated interest.