In an escalating battle over the sanctity of high art, acclaimed director Paul Thomas Anderson and composer Jonny Greenwood have issued a joint ultimatum demanding the immediate removal of all Phantom Thread music from the recently released documentary ‘Melania: First Lady, Third Best Dressed.’ The pair cited a breach of artistic integrity and a possible increase in static cling as core reasons for their concern.

“When I wrote the score for Phantom Thread, I envisioned Daniel Day-Lewis scowling in a tailored suit, not a Slovenian ex-model gazing elegantly at a tray of canapés,” Greenwood clarified in a press release delivered by carrier pigeon. “I did not give permission for my music to soundtrack discussions about White House Christmas décor or the proper way to eat a salad.”

Anderson, known for his meticulous dedication to cinematic purity, was equally outraged. “Art must not be sullied by association with anything polyester, artificial, or vaguely lemon-scented,” he told reporters. “Or Melania. Especially Melania.”

Sources close to the production claimed Universal Pictures was previously unaware of the director-composer duo’s aversion to anything with more than 25% synthetic fiber content. Documentary producer Diane Folgers responded, “We genuinely believed the swelling strings would add gravitas to Melania’s monologue about gift-wrapping, but if Anderson wants us to swap in the Home Depot hold music, so be it.”

As of press time, Anderson and Greenwood were reportedly collaborating on a new agreement explicitly banning their compositions from all future films featuring faint Eastern European accents or gold-plated furniture.