WASHINGTON, DC — In an unprecedented display of legislative creativity, top federal immigration officials appeared before Congress Tuesday to defend their latest stopgap measure for border security: a nationwide series of DHS bake sales and a systematic search of all government sofas for spare change.

Homeland Security Secretary Linda Pickleson assured lawmakers that, despite the likely expiration of DHS funding on February 13, “America’s borders will remain secure as long as Americans keep buying brownies and the D.C. couch scene remains loose-change-rich.” When questioned about the recent use of elementary school cameras to monitor potential border crossers, ICE Director Tony ‘The Hawk’ Baldano offered a tepid defense. “Look, we either fund surveillance tech or fund math textbooks. Given the times, we chose high-definition cafeteria cams. Besides, those lunch ladies see everything.”

Republican Rep. Chuck Fibbins stormed out after officials proposed raising additional funds via a GoFundMe called ‘Buy ICE a Drone.’ “This is all totally unacceptable and preventable,” Fibbins announced to reporters. “If we can’t fund DHS, just let the Girl Scouts handle the border. I’ve seen what they’ll do for a cookie sale quota.”

Meanwhile, Rep. Jamie Raskin, distracted by heavily redacted DOJ documents, questioned if border security was being run by “the same people who thought hiding names in a Word doc was encryption.” He demanded full files: “If I can’t see who ate the last donut in the breakroom, how can I trust DHS to track a caravan?”

DHS officials promised a follow-up hearing, tentatively scheduled for the next government shutdown, depending on the availability of boxed brownies and couch quarters.