Across the nation, anxious homeowners are tearing Ring doorbells from their front porches after realizing the devices are technically capable of identifying not just missing shih tzus, but also themselves, their Amazon delivery habits, and possibly their darkest secrets. The panic, sparked by Ring’s Super Bowl ad showcasing its AI-powered ‘Search Party’ dog finder, grew after the company revealed the feature can be toggled to locate ‘anything with eyes, a tail, or a criminal record.’

“It started with lost pets, but if AI can find my neighbor’s poodle, what’s to stop it from finding me the morning after a rough night at Applebee’s?” said former Ring user and noted privacy expert, Karen Blenkinsop. “I don’t need footage of me in my robe being analyzed by Bezos.”

Ring’s CEO, Jamie Siminoff, attempted to reassure customers. “Our advanced AI is only searching for lost dogs, wildfires, or anyone who looks like they’re up to no good, which in our rigorous testing includes 74% of American homeowners,” he explained. “Besides, we only share your video with people you already don’t trust.”

Massachusetts resident Jon Witherspoon opted for a Reolink system with local storage, though he admitted his privacy is still not absolute. “Sure, my footage is stored on an SD card in my sock drawer now, but what if the SD card becomes self-aware?” he wondered, clutching his socks nervously.

Meanwhile, alternate doorbell makers like Eufy and Aqara reported record sales from wary citizens. “Our doorbells only upload video to the cloud when a Chinese official personally approves it,” assured Eufy spokesperson Monique Zhen. “That’s privacy you can count on, probably.”