SAN FRANCISCO — After an exhaustive six-day deliberation fueled by cold brew and an ever-dwindling faith in reality, a federal jury determined Friday that Elon Musk cunningly weaponized his Twitter account in 2022, spreading misinformation about spam bots in a desperate and elaborate attempt to avoid paying full price for a website he instantly regretted buying.

“It was a masterclass in financial sleight of hand,” said lead juror Paula Dunstable, who admitted she “still doesn’t understand what Dogecoin is, but is pretty sure I should own some now.” According to testimony, Musk repeatedly tweeted that Twitter was overrun with fake accounts, urging investors to “imagine a world where half your followers are Russian bots named Dave.”

Harold Penberthy, a self-described tech investor and actual owner of four pelotons, expressed outrage: “I joined Twitter to connect with ethical billionaires. To think Musk manipulated the market with mere words—it’s almost as if Twitter has power.”

Legal experts say Musk’s actions may inspire a new Wall Street playbook. “In the future, we expect CEOs to move markets by live-tweeting their insecurities in real time,” predicted Stanford Law professor Willow K. Smoot. “Expect a lot of CEOs suddenly worried about how many bots follow them.”

Musk could barely be reached for comment, as he is reportedly distracted by a project to replace human juries with an array of self-driving Roombas. “The real fake accounts,” Musk allegedly tweeted, “were the investors we met along the way.”