SEATTLE—In what analysts are calling the most significant retail event since Amazon accidentally shipped a live ocelot with a kitchen blender, the retail giant has launched its third annual Big Spring Sale, tantalizing shoppers with discounts so steep they may require mountaineering gear.

Highlights of the sale include the Echo Show 8—now only $139.99, down from the preposterous $179.99—giving Americans a rare chance to replace the device they bought last year with an almost-identical one. “I’ve been waiting all winter to save $5 on a smart plug,” said Seattle resident and habitual deal-chaser, Linda Garvey. “I told my husband I’d start budgeting, but with prices like these, how could I not immediately buy three?”

Echoing the sentiment, Amazon’s Senior VP of Extraneous Events, Wyatt Dasher, confirmed, “We’re proud to offer our customers the best spring sale of the week, with discounts reaching nearly the cost of a seasonal Starbucks beverage. Between now and March 31st, you can buy a robot vacuum for $599 and briefly experience the thrill of being $500 less poor.”

Retail experts warn, however, that not all deals are created equal. “Some items are a mere $2 shy of their all-time lowest price, and that’s the definition of generational wealth in today’s economy,” noted consumer economist Paige Lott, who is currently tracking the national conversion rate of unused smart bulbs to existential dread.

Shoppers are advised to act quickly before the deals disappear forever—or resurface in a slightly more desperate incarnation during Prime Day.