CAMBRIDGE, MA—Responding to mounting concerns over campus inclusivity, Harvard University has unveiled its new “Inclusive Exclusion” initiative, designed to ensure that every student, regardless of identity or background, has the opportunity to feel equally unwelcome.

The program, announced shortly after the Justice Department’s latest multibillion-dollar lawsuit alleging a hostile environment for Jewish students, will involve state-of-the-art exclusionary techniques, uncomfortable stares in dining halls, and a campus-wide bingo game centered on microaggressions.

“We want all our students to experience that special Harvard chill—whether it’s from centuries-old tradition or today’s lawsuits,” declared Vice Dean of Social Ambiguity, Dr. Calliope Drizzle. “Jewish students, Christian students, even the guy who wears flip-flops in February: No one should feel left out when it comes to feeling left out.”

The new policy will be monitored by the Office of Equitable Unease, which will issue weekly reports on the general sense of discomfort among students. “We’ve already achieved a record-setting 89% Unwelcome Rate according to our Sadness Index,” boasted Inclusion Czar Kipler Brandt. “It’s about leveling the playing field of alienation.”

Students are taking notice. “Yesterday, a stranger debated my existence during lunch while someone else asked if I’m using the right pronouns for my sandwich,” lamented sophomore Rachel Goldberg. “Frankly, it’s inspiring to see Harvard innovate unfriendliness on such a global scale.”

As the DOJ readies its PowerPoint slides for the lawsuit, Harvard has launched a new motto: ‘Veritas, but for Some.’