WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move described by insiders as a ‘level 11 tantrum,’ the U.S. Treasury Department formally demanded that the Financial Times not only retract its recent article about Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent’s supposed views on Federal Reserve oversight, but also apologize, say something nice about Janet Yellen’s haircut, and send over a premium fruit basket with extra kiwis.

The Treasury’s strongly-worded complaint, reportedly delivered in an email with the subject line ‘Do Better, Please,’ insisted that the Financial Times’ coverage was ‘manufactured,’ ‘riddled with lies,’ and ‘not even nice lies, like when your uncle says he enjoys your improv show.’ Officials also objected to the article’s headline, which they said was ‘misleading’ because it ‘suggests we have any control or meaningful oversight over the Federal Reserve, which is hilarious.’

“I categorically deny ever having an opinion about the Federal Reserve,” said Bessent in a statement issued from inside a soundproof panic room. “In fact, I try not to think about them at all, lest my eyes cross permanently.”

Treasury spokesperson Linda Girtz was even more adamant: “This story is a complete fabrication. We asked the FT to retract it, then asked their parent company Nikkei Inc., and are prepared to escalate this to the International Court of Fruit Baskets if necessary.”

Financial Times reporter Mark Dinwiddy was unmoved by the Treasury’s demands. “We stand by our reporting, our sources, and our headline, which was the only way to make anything about Fed oversight sound remotely interesting,” he said. “Also, we ate the fruit basket.”

At press time, the Treasury had filed a second complaint after reporters referred to Secretary Bessent as ‘the man who noticed rates were changing once.’