NEW YORK—In a landmark demonstration of the legal system’s unwillingness to monetize awkward birthday correspondence, a US federal judge dismissed Donald Trump’s $10 billion lawsuit against The Wall Street Journal on Tuesday, confirming that not even the world’s most powerful office can convert accidental party RSVPs into financial windfalls.

The lawsuit stemmed from a WSJ article alleging that Trump once signed a birthday letter for the late Jeffrey Epstein’s 50th birthday, a revelation that Trump’s attorneys insisted was defamatory, emotionally traumatic, and, in the words of legal advisor Russell Quince, “a violation of the sacred right to maintain plausible deniability.”

“Frankly, my client expected at least a small settlement or a store credit,” Quince told reporters while standing in front of a balloon arch. “If you can’t sue someone for reporting that you once signed a greeting card, is it even America?”

When pressed for comment, legal scholar Brenda Markowitz explained, “There’s simply no precedent that grants damages for having one’s name attached to a generic Hallmark card, unless it contains glitter, which is universally recognized as a war crime.”

Trump himself expressed disappointment via Truth Social, posting, “Total disgrace! Judges don’t respect birthdays anymore. Next time I’m sticking to e-vites.”

Reached for comment, a WSJ spokesperson offered, “We’re just relieved he didn’t see our report on his 1992 karaoke performance at Mar-a-Lago. There wouldn’t be enough zeros in the world.”

As of press time, sources close to Trump confirmed he was considering a GoFundMe to finance emotional therapy sessions and possibly a new stationery line.