SEATTLE, WA—In a stunning development sure to shake the foundations of modern convenience, Amazon has ignited a renewed frenzy among physical media enthusiasts and digital hermits alike with its semi-regular Three-For-$33 4K Blu-ray Sale. The sale, which offers the privilege of owning three shiny plastic discs you’ll definitely touch maybe once, sent shockwaves through a nation increasingly confused about what a Blu-ray actually is.

Early reports indicate that millions of Americans rushed to their devices, briefly considering the purchase of classics like “Godzilla Minus One,” “Barbie,” and the critically acclaimed “A Minecraft Movie,” before remembering they lack both a Blu-ray player and the will to remove shrink-wrap.

“Four years of streaming have entirely atrophied my ability to open media cabinets,” confessed Bob Lively, 37, who spent 45 minutes searching Amazon for a ‘Play Movie’ button before realizing he was shopping for physical objects. “I just hope they come with a QR code so I can watch them on my phone instead.”

Amazon spokesperson Lisa Cartright explained the sale’s significance: “There are too many movies to list, but if you like staring at packaging and knowing you own something you’ll never use, this is a great opportunity.”

Physical movie advocate Pamela Sputter welcomed the deal, noting, “There’s nothing quite like watching ‘Jurassic Park’ in 4K while cradling the disc and muttering, ‘This is what Spielberg intended.’”

Meanwhile, local streaming devotee Jared Hanks remained unconvinced, stating, “If I can’t lose it in a licensing dispute after six weeks, is it even cinema?”

At press time, Amazon was rumored to be planning a new sale: Buy six Blu-rays, receive a coupon for counseling about the existential weight of ownership.