In a move applauded by nobody in particular, California Congressman Eric Swalwell announced his resignation this morning, citing a desire to “focus on personal development, large legal bills, and an exciting new career in awkward silence.” The resignation comes after multiple women accused Swalwell of sexual misconduct, claims he called “simply untrue, but also, unfortunately, extremely time-consuming.”

Swalwell assured supporters he would not abandon his constituents as much as merely “ghost them.” A staffer, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said, “He told us he needed to clear his name, so naturally he deleted all his social media accounts and moved to Aruba.”

Meanwhile, former President Donald Trump ignited an international incident after publicly feuding with Pope Leo XIV over the Vatican’s opposition to the Iran War. During an interview on Fox News, Trump claimed, “Pope Leo is weak on crime, soft on Iran, and frankly, his hat is too small. He should be sending tanks to confession, not prayers.”

Officials at the Holy See responded diplomatically, with Vatican spokesperson Cardinal Giuseppe Fettuccini stating, “His Holiness does not typically engage with 3 a.m. tweets, but in this case, we recommend Mr. Trump consider that war is not solved by throwing cheeseburgers at Tehran.”

Political strategist Donna Flatley summed up the whirlwind: “Between Swalwell’s spectacular exit and the Pope’s tank shortage, America is on the brink of running out of things to argue about—unless someone brings up pineapple pizza again.”