OTTAWA—In a move that experts are calling “the diplomatic equivalent of bringing a Mountie hat to a UFC match,” Prime Minister Mark Carney today announced the formation of a 24-member advisory committee intended to steer Canada through its upcoming trade negotiations with the United States.

The committee, a diverse alliance featuring everyone from former premiers to disgruntled Tim Hortons franchise owners, will offer what Carney describes as “the best of Canadian wisdom and the broadest spectrum of polite suggestions.” The group includes noted experts like Conservative stalwart Edwina ‘Tariffbuster’ McGee, Saskatchewan dairy magnate Gord ‘Cheddar’ Sprole, and Saskatchewan’s own ‘Wheat Whisperer’ Mavis Chudleigh. Also featured is Pierre Leclerc, who once successfully bartered twelve hockey pucks for a tire iron at the Detroit-Windsor border.

“We’re prepared for anything the Americans throw at us—be it tariffs, insults, or reality TV show pitches,” said Chudleigh, already rehearsing her opening line: ‘Let’s just agree to disagree and hug it out?’

“I’m here to ensure that not one single maple syrup barrel gets left behind,” declared Sprole, heroically brandishing a ladle at the press conference. Meanwhile, Leclerc offered more pragmatic advice: “When negotiations get tense, I suggest we all just say ‘sorry’ until they get confused and lower their demands.”

Carney expressed confidence in the committee’s collective cross-partisan wisdom, stating, “We have Liberals, Conservatives, one guy from the Bloc, and my uncle Gerry. If this doesn’t work, we’ll escalate to smoke signals and passive-aggressive letters.”

The committee will convene next Tuesday, assuming the meeting room can fit all the egos.