ISLAMABAD—In a dramatic turn for Middle East diplomacy, Iranian officials have reportedly asked that all future negotiations with the U.S. take place in strict silence, after President Donald Trump’s steady output of contradictory statements left talks hopelessly entangled in a web of verbal confusion.

According to anonymous sources within the Iranian foreign ministry, Trump’s approach—described by one negotiator as “a mix between a hyperactive sports commentator and a Magic 8-ball”—has prompted Tehran to request that both parties adopt a system of hand gestures and visual aids moving forward.

“Iran simply cannot keep up with the president’s verbal productivity,” explained Dr. Bahram Jamshidi, Iran’s leading tranquility consultant. “He will tweet that he loves us at 8:03, threaten to vaporize us by 8:07, and at 8:10 suggest we open a joint golf resort in Qom. Our negotiators now receive breaking news alerts every 90 seconds, just to make sense of which deal we’re actually rejecting.”

American diplomats, however, remain unfazed. “President Trump believes communication is key, preferably at a volume of 120 decibels,” said Rexley Tonks, deputy assistant to the assistant of the U.S. Envoy. “We have advised Iran to invest in noise-canceling headphones and simply wait for the real deal to come out as a press release.”

When asked for comment, Trump told reporters, “I’m the best communicator—everyone says so. If Iran doesn’t understand me, maybe they should get subtitles or something.”

Pakistan, currently attempting to mediate the negotiations, has reportedly offered to provide flashcards, charades facilitators, and a whiteboard with limited markers.