MIAMI, FL—Authorities announced Thursday that Nathaniel Sanders II, a 34-year-old Florida man, had been arrested for allegedly threatening to kill President Trump, Secretary Marco Rubio, and former Attorney General Pam Bondi, rather than sticking to the customary Florida tradition of challenging strangers to alligator wrestling matches in Walmart parking lots.

According to court documents, Sanders allegedly issued the threats via a series of comments posted to a 2009 MySpace fan page for Guy Fieri, a platform law enforcement now monitors exclusively to keep tabs on all remaining internet threats older than TikTok. Federal agents responded swiftly, grateful for a break from the intense work of filtering through millions of angry Nextdoor posts about lost cats.

“Frankly, I’m just shocked he didn’t include at least one celebrity chef or local HOA president,” said Agent Brenda Lott, lead investigator on the case. “Threatening politicians is old news—in Florida, if you aren’t threatening to ride a manatee to prove a point, you might as well be from Ohio.”

Local resident Rick Drummond expressed confusion. “I always thought death threats were just another part of Florida’s tourism outreach,” he said, holding a ‘Welcome to Florida: Bring Your Own Lawyer’ sign. Meanwhile, online safety advocate Cheryl Booth weighed in, adding: “This is a teaching moment—online threats must be made exclusively in all-caps and with at least three fire emojis for us to take them seriously.”

At press time, Sanders was reportedly updating his threat list to include three TikTok influencers, a Key West pelican, and the concept of affordable health insurance.