CANBERRA — In a much-anticipated budget speech, Treasurer Jim Chalmers unveiled the government’s bold plan to solve Australia’s housing crisis by pledging the construction of one million new homes, under the strict condition that nobody moves into them, pays tax on them, or acknowledges their physical presence.

“Let’s flood the market with houses the way nature intended: vacant, untaxed, and preferably invisible,” Chalmers stated, gesturing to a PowerPoint slide showing a graph rising exponentially towards ‘Theoretical Affordability.’ “This is a historic investment in future hypotheticals.”

Shadow Finance Minister Claire Chandler echoed the sentiment, clarifying, “The last thing we want is people living in houses or the government collecting revenue from them. That only encourages more housing demand, which is a slippery slope.”

Details of the plan include a $2 billion Enabling Infrastructure Fund, designed primarily to enable press releases about enabling infrastructure. State governments have pledged ‘firm emotional support’ and a willingness to attend future announcement ceremonies.

Economic analyst Bryan Werther called the move ‘visionary,’ noting, “If the government can just keep houses off-limits to buyers, renters, and tax assessors, they can solve affordability forever. The less people own, the more affordable everything is.”

A small group of protesters gathered outside Parliament, chanting, “Let us see the invisible houses!”, but were herded onto non-existent buses for a non-existent tour of the upcoming developments.