CANBERRA — Treasurer Jim Chalmers delivered a federal budget Tuesday night so precisely targeted that economists now theorize it was written by a laser-guided algorithm fueled by avocado toast and resentment.

Self-identified ‘rich families’ were among the hardest hit, with the new “Triple Yacht Tax” expected to leave up to 83% of Point Piper parents deciding which of their watercrafts to keep. “It’s a tragedy. I can only take the kids water-skiing on two different harbors now,” lamented former private equity mogul Nigel Stapleton, 46, while sipping Dom Pérignon in his infinity pool. “How am I supposed to explain this to Hugo and Aspen?”

Meanwhile, first home buyers celebrated modest tax reliefs, now allowing them to afford an extra 0.25 square meters in metropolitan Sydney. “I almost have enough for an actual mailbox!” beamed Penelope Dong, 29, as she toured a studio apartment previously zoned as a broom closet.

In a shocking twist, the nation’s illegal tobacco industry condemned the lack of direct financial aid. “Prices for vape juice are through the roof, and no stimulus for struggling black market entrepreneurs? Outrageous,” said Tony ‘The Cigarette’ Carbone, President of the Unregulated Smokes Association.

Finally, overseas travelers were reminded of the new “Vacation Guilt Levy”—a $117 surcharge paid directly to your Nana each time you go to Bali instead of visiting her. “We needed something to address the intergenerational moral deficit,” explained Assistant Minister for Passive Aggression, Deidre Moffatt.