LONDON — As ministers face mounting pressure to ban zero-hours contracts, the Confederation of Perpetually Alarmed Employers (CPAE) issued a dire warning Monday: abolishing the contracts could fatally destabilise the British economy’s cherished ecosystem of underemployment and existential dread.

Campaigners from organisations such as the Child Poverty Action Group, the TUC, and Not Yet Homeless-Yet UK have collectively urged the Business Secretary to “ignore the noise” from business lobbyists and instead consider the radical notion that jobs can come with guaranteed hours. However, business leaders maintained zero-hours contracts are crucial for keeping young people available, panicked, and refreshingly motivated to check their phones at 2AM for updates about a possible 9AM shift.

“If we can’t phone students at 11pm asking them to mop a Wetherspoons by midnight, how will they learn about the real world?” said CPAE spokesperson Miranda Shortfall, sipping a triple espresso between back-to-back HR emergencies. “It’s character-building, like the Hunger Games but with more paperwork.”

Gregory Flexhire, CEO of GigMeNow, stressed, “Young workers crave flexibility. Nothing says freedom like never knowing if you can pay rent next month.”

Meanwhile, a government insider, speaking on condition of anonymity due to fear of being offered an unpaid internship, noted, “We must protect the delicate balance between business dynamism and the adrenaline rush of precarious employment.”

Ministers are expected to review the issue once they determine whether anxiety is, in fact, taxable.