DESTIN, FL—Refusing to back down in the face of mounting evidence to the contrary, SEC commissioner Greg Sankey announced Tuesday that the Southeastern Conference remains the ‘undisputed global juggernaut’ of college football, even as the Big Ten gleefully parades three consecutive national championship trophies through the streets of Ann Arbor, Columbus, and, for no apparent reason, New Brunswick, New Jersey.

“Sure, the Big Ten has technically won the last three championships, but if you look at the advanced metrics—like tweet engagements, tailgate BBQ quality, and sheer number of Ford F-150s per capita—the SEC is still running laps around everyone else,” said Sankey at a press conference adorned with an inexplicable number of commemorative crystal footballs from 2007. “In fact, we’re instituting a new scoring matrix where moral victories, tradition, and the number of five-star recruits who once said ‘y’all’ are each worth double. By those standards, we’ve won 12 of the last 11 titles.”

Several coaches voiced support for Sankey’s recalibrated reality. “Did Georgia lose on the field? Maybe. But if championships were awarded for screaming ‘Go Dawgs’ at a Chili’s in Dothan at midnight, we’d have a dynasty,” claimed Alabama assistant coach Bobby Joe Treadwell.

Meanwhile, a Big Ten spokesperson responded to Sankey’s comments by saying, “We’re just enjoying our trophies and preparing for the fall. Also, has anyone seen our trophy? Ohio State borrowed it and it’s missing again.”

As for Sankey, he says he’s already preparing his speech defending the SEC as the ‘strongest league’ should the Big Ten accidentally win the next twenty championships in a row.