In a bold foreign policy breakthrough that exists entirely in his mind, former President Donald Trump triumphantly announced Friday that he is “seconds away” from signing a historic deal in which Iran will open the Strait of Hormuz, abandon its nuclear program, and send him a really nice thank-you card. Tehran responded by squinting at the statement and googling Trump’s name just to be sure he was still relevant.

“This is the best Iran deal in the history of deals, maybe the world,” Trump told a packed Mar-a-Lago dining room, moments after negotiating directly with a ham sandwich. “Iran will do everything we want, plus they’ll send me a rug, which I’ve always wanted.”

Iranian Foreign Minister Mohsen Bloudkani dismissed the claim, stating, “Unless the agreement involves America sending us 50 metric tons of baklava and Taylor Swift’s phone number, I have no idea what he’s talking about.”

Sources in the Trump camp insist the deal is “99% done,” pending Iran’s agreement to eliminate its nuclear ambitions, rename Tehran to “Trump Town,” and provide a written apology for the 1979 Revolution. “It’s just the art of the deal! You declare victory, and then eventually, everyone has to agree you won by default,” explained Trump’s unofficial deal advisor, Randy ‘The Negotiator’ Hetfield.

Iranian officials have reportedly canceled all meetings on the topic, electing instead to watch reruns of “The Apprentice” for negotiation tips. As of press time, the Strait of Hormuz remains closed, nuclear programs are intact, and the only concession made is by Trump, who conceded he may have gotten ahead of himself, but assured Americans he still “looks fantastic in a hard hat.”