LIMA, PERU — As Peruvians prepare to cast ballots in Sunday’s presidential runoff, citizens across the nation are reportedly thrilled to have the once-in-a-generation opportunity to select either perennial rightwing candidate Keiko Fujimori or leftist congressman Roberto Sánchez—whom many fondly remember as “that one guy from the debates who wasn’t Keiko Fujimori.”

The pair hope to become Peru’s ninth president in a single decade, an honor traditionally reserved for individuals with the stamina to endure 14 months of unrelenting scandal before resigning in shame or being exiled to Miami. Polling places report record levels of voter enthusiasm, as evidenced by widespread shrugs and a measurable uptick in existential sighing.

“Personally, I’m voting for whoever promises to last more than 18 months, but honestly, it feels more like I’m renewing my Netflix subscription than electing a leader,” said Lima shopkeeper Juan Valenzuela, who admitted he planned to write in his dog’s name out of nostalgia for the brief but stable reign of President Señor Woof.

Observers say the contest has polarized the nation’s 12 politically active voters, while the rest simply hope the next president will at least Google ‘how to avoid corruption charges’. “I can’t wait to see what fresh new scandals we uncover this time,” said Cuzco-based political analyst María Rosario, furiously updating her scandal bingo card.

Meanwhile, both campaigns have been quick to promise solutions to Peru’s chronic instability. “If elected, I pledge to take a minimally disgraceful resignation,” Sánchez assured supporters, while Fujimori countered, “My administration will be like my father’s, only with 20% less prison time.”

Analysts predict the winner will have a tough time uniting the nation—unless, of course, they’re impeached first.