In an unprecedented advancement for health-conscious spenders everywhere, Fitbit announced today that consumers can now purchase the Charge 6, Ace LTE, and Air models for the low, low price of $100—finally making hypochondria accessible to the masses.

The new Fitbit Air, a fitness tracker so minimalist it lacks a screen, buttons, or even the ability to tell you what time it is, has hit shelves alongside the more feature-rich Charge 6. Early adopters are flocking to Amazon, Best Buy, and Target, united by the shared dream of having a small band remind them that they are, in fact, still moving. “I used to have to check my own pulse,” said Jessica Tran, a 34-year-old IT analyst, “but now, for just $99.99, an app can send me notifications about my sedentary despair.”

For those seeking maximum child surveillance, the Fitbit Ace LTE offers a selection of movement-based games and, for only $9.99 a month, the soothing peace of knowing exactly which playground your offspring is ignoring you from. “Thanks to Fitbit Ace, my son can’t hide during hide-and-seek,” beamed parent Michael Evans. “I get a push notification whenever he tries.”

In a historic move, Fitbit also unveiled a $9.99 monthly Health Coach AI, which provides personalized advice such as ‘try walking’ and ‘please drink water.’ According to lead software engineer Blaire O’Malley, “The AI is designed to gently nag users in a way that feels almost human, if your mom was a cloud-based subscription service.”

Analysts predict this pricing shift will allow Americans nationwide to finally stop talking to their own bodies and start renting the experience from Google.