CHICAGO—The U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team admitted Tuesday that they were “completely blindsided” by the recent discovery that world-class coaching and something called “practice” could, in fact, make them better at soccer. Newly hired coach Mauricio Pochettino, renowned for his work with actual professional teams, reportedly introduced players to mysterious strategies such as ‘passing,’ ‘defending,’ and a controversial technique known in Argentina as ‘trying.’

“We always thought soccer was mostly about hope and Powerade sponsorships,” confessed midfielder Weston McKennie, looking overwhelmed after a grueling 45-minute session involving cones and running. “Then Coach Pochettino asked us to move into open space. I didn’t even know you could do that.”

According to sources at the U.S. Soccer Federation, Pochettino’s revolutionary approach includes holding regular trainings, watching videos of past games, and, in a twist that left several players speechless, telling teammates when you’re about to pass the ball. “He made us listen to him speak for, like, a full hour about tactics,” said striker Christian Pulisic. “At first I thought he was pranking us, but then we beat Canada. Twice.”

U.S. Soccer president Cindy Parlow Cone hailed the approach, stating, “We’ve always wanted to see results, but no one considered hiring a coach who demanded physical effort and tactical awareness. Frankly, it’s exhausting, but apparently effective.”

As the U.S. heads into the knockout stage, Pochettino has reportedly introduced advanced concepts, such as scoring more goals than the opponent, to further stretch the boundaries of American soccer.