ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—At a press conference this week, Bart Butler, Chief Technology Officer of Proton, reminded customers that while privacy is their top priority, not even Swiss-based, nonprofit, mission-driven, encryption-powered tech giants are prepared to serve hard time to safeguard users’ questionable Google search histories.

In what many are calling an inspiring, if unsettling, show of transparency, Butler outlined Proton’s corporate philosophy. “We sell trust, not products,” explained Butler. “And ultimately, trust is about understanding that we will heroically comply with the Swiss government on your behalf, and absolutely fold when the FBI describes your group chat as ‘terror-adjacent.’ But we’ll do it with encrypted dignity.”

Proton, which offers encrypted mail, calendar, drive, and a new AI named Lumo who spends most of its processing power reading the Geneva Convention, recently threatened to leave Switzerland, the EU, and possibly Earth, if anyone asks them to build a backdoor. “We’re not afraid to move servers to the moon or open an office in the Principality of Sealand if it means we can keep pretending your files are safe,” said Proton Foundation spokesperson Anja Kleinschmidt, re-encrypting her own lunch menu for good measure.

Customers are encouraged by Proton’s seriousness. “After Facebook sold my baby photos to a Russian yogurt company, I trust Proton to at least encrypt my suffering before outsourcing it,” said user and worried millennial Lucas Bergmann.

Butler concluded: “Our entire corporate structure is built to protect your privacy, provided you never do anything interesting enough for a three-letter agency to care. If you want more, please upgrade to Premium Plus with Legal Immunity Add-on.”