WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking escalation of the war on mainstream media, former President Donald Trump called upon the Federal Communications Commission on Monday to dole out swift and severe punishment to “Meet the Press” host Kristen Welker after she allegedly made “dangerously mellow remarks” about candidates he has endorsed.

Trump, speaking on his preferred social media platform Truth Social, insisted that Welker be “immediately referred to the FCC for extreme and totally unfair pre-show chit-chat,” citing a pre-broadcast moment in which Welker said, “Some of these races are going to be interesting,” a line Trump decried as “blatant, high-grade election tampering.”

“I’ve never seen anything like it. Frankly, I think Kristen Welker should be forced to watch reruns of ‘Antiques Roadshow’ until she learns what neutrality really means,” wrote Trump. He added, “If the FCC doesn’t act, I’ll have Mike Pence read her the phone book, starting with the Bs.”

FCC Deputy Assistant Secretary Chad Fleck issued a statement: “We are currently reviewing whether describing a Senate race as ‘interesting’ constitutes a breach of civilization. In the meantime, we urge all journalists to use only approved adjectives such as ‘unremarkable’ and ‘plain.’”

NBC spokesperson Ginny Dunst defended Welker, stating, “At no point did Ms. Welker call any candidates ‘dynamite’ or ‘zesty.’ Our internal policy is strictly limited to adjectives below a level-3 excitement threshold.”

Trump’s campaign has also filed a petition asking the FCC to replace Welker’s coffee with decaf, and to consider banning the word ‘hello’ from all future broadcasts.