CHARLOTTE, NC — Well-known celebrity pastor and ‘world’s holiest memorabilia collector’ Dylan Novak reflected Tuesday on his deeply spiritual 2024 encounter with actress Hayden Panettiere, describing a ‘soul-shattering sadness’ that, in retrospect, he now recognizes as perfect foreshadowing. ‘There was a palpable, almost Instagram-filtered melancholy,’ Novak stated at a hastily arranged press conference outside a Panera Bread. ‘I remember looking at her and just knowing, deep down, that we were sharing a moment destined for use in future podcast interviews.’

Novak, who has previously prayed with dozens of B-list celebrities and the inventor of the ShamWow, explained that he has developed a sixth sense for these encounters. ‘I just wish I’d gotten a more creative selfie,’ he lamented. ‘I see now that this was my spiritual calling: to offer comfort to those on the verge of trending.’

Churchgoer and Novak devotee Linda Baxter recalled, ‘He must’ve repeated the story at least four times last Sunday. I cried every time, though admittedly I confused Hayden with Natalie Portman.’

Other notable pastors have taken note. Pastor Rick Edgerton announced, ‘In light of Dylan’s experience, our ministry will be releasing a Preemptive Eulogy™ app for all celebrity fans.’ Not to be outdone, televangelist Mark Derby has promised to only meet with public figures whose Wikipedia page already contains the words ‘untimely passing’. ‘It just makes for a better sermon,’ Derby asserted.

Novak now plans to tour the country offering ‘final photo ops’ to celebrities showing any sign of existential ennui, or who have just returned from a difficult Paparazzi encounter.