In a bold move praised by wrestling fans and evolutionary biologists alike, All Elite Wrestling (AEW) has announced the first-ever Survival of the Fittest match to crown the new TBS Champion, following Willow Nightingale’s abrupt title vacancy due to an injury, ironic misfortune, or, as some speculate, spontaneous storyline combustion.

The match, set to take place during an upcoming episode of ‘Collision,’ will feature six competitors, dozens of chairs, three suspiciously unguarded ladders, and a live raccoon for unexplained reasons. The last woman standing will be declared the champion, or at least whoever manages to navigate the latest booking twist. “We wanted to return to the roots of professional wrestling: danger, confusion, and the vague threat of wildlife,” said AEW General Manager Chaz Velvet.

Sources close to the company revealed that the match rules are simple: survive anything Tony Khan writes into the script. “If a wrestler can dodge an exploding ring, a surprise heel turn, and Tony Khan’s Twitter account in one night, they deserve the championship,” commented AEW producer Jolene Turbo, frantically rewriting the match rules for the eleventh time this hour.

Fan expectations are already sky-high, with Vegas odds heavily favoring long-time contender Skye Blue, simply because she once made it through a promo segment without getting lost backstage. “I’ve been training by fighting my own storyline inconsistencies,” Blue told reporters. “I haven’t slept since 2021.”

Meanwhile, AEW has reminded fans that, in the event no one survives, the title will go to the least injured member of the production crew.