SEATTLE—Bargain hunters across America are reportedly stampeding to Amazon’s annual Big Spring Sale, lured by breathtaking discounts like $5 off a smart plug and $8 off a Wi-Fi-enabled garage door opener that will remain unused until the next major home improvement mood strike.

Retail experts, analysts, and exhausted Prime members say the event—strategically timed during March, when humans are statistically most desperate for a reason to live—marks the year’s best opportunity to acquire an Echo Spot bedside clock that displays the weather and notifications, ideally just before it’s displaced by the Echo Dot Plus Max Ultra this July.

“Every spring, I celebrate Amazon’s sacred holiday by buying a Govee Table Lamp 2 Pro X Sound by JBL for 30% off, because nothing says spring like mood lighting I’ll never figure out how to use,” said Tiffany Marple, 32, who estimates she’s saved nearly $45 across six sales and 112 Alexa-compatible devices. “Sure, I could wait for Prime Day, but who wants to risk paying full price for a robot vacuum that will get stuck under a recliner?”

Amazon spokesperson Lars Widget described the event as an act of public service. “We know Americans desperately need a Bluetooth-enabled USB-C charging stand with built-in Find My support. These deals allow people to finally fulfill their lifelong dream of controlling their kitchen fan with their voice for $3 less.”

Retail therapist Dr. Janice Flurg explained, “In this economy, micro-savings on MagSafe-compatible phone stands provide the illusion of fiscal responsibility, while helping shoppers avoid the crushing terror of the void.”

At press time, Walmart and Best Buy confirmed they would match Amazon’s prices, ensuring consumers could achieve identical, marginal satisfaction wherever they chose to click.