SEATTLE — Bargain enthusiasts, casual impulse shoppers, and anyone who derives existential meaning from charging cords rejoiced this week as Amazon’s Big Spring Sale entered its final, pulse-pounding hours. The event, which experts say is now the fourth most sacred retail holiday behind Prime Day, Black Friday, and National Left-Handed Scissors Appreciation Day, promised discounts of up to 18% on such seasonal staples as the Meross Smart Wi-Fi Garage Door Opener ($39.98, “while supplies last, and supplies are always last”).

“We’re proud to offer Americans a fleeting sense of control over their lives, one barely-discounted Govee Table Lamp 2 Pro X Sound by JBL at a time,” said Amazon spokesperson Lucinda Frugal. “Never before has the dream of owning a Bluetooth lamp-slash-speaker-slash-mood-altering orb been so… realistically convenient.”

Many shoppers reported feeling a new kind of transcendent joy after purchasing functional yet decoratively neutral appliances no one could have imagined needing prior to the sale. “I didn’t know my soul craved a $22 SwitchBot Bot that presses the button on my rice cooker for me,” said tech blogger and now full-time influencer Brad Techington. “But Amazon did. They always do.”

For some, the adrenaline rush of adding an Echo Show 8 to their cart and checking out before 11:59 p.m. PT was almost overwhelming. “It was the most alive I’ve felt since the last Spring Sale,” admitted Minnesota mother Deirdre Platitude. “Once I plugged in my discounted Smart Plug, I finally felt something again.”

Amazon insiders hinted that next year’s sale could feature new deals on a self-cleaning, AI-powered programmable air freshener, though analysts cautioned that the emotional high will likely remain unchanged.

As the dust settles on another legendary event, experts say shoppers can now return to the bleak, empty months until Prime Day—buoyed only by their robot vacuum’s automated, ever-hopeful whir.