After years of dominance on the gridiron, America was thrown into chaos Sunday when Tom Brady, seven-time Super Bowl champion, suffered crushing defeat not once, but twice in the Fanatics Flag Football Classic at BMO Stadium. Brady, whose losing streak in flag football now rivals the careers of mere mortals, shocked fans and analysts by failing to single-handedly overcome Team USA’s combined total of 42 recreational athletes and one dad who forgot his knee brace.

Eyewitnesses report that Brady threw two touchdowns in the game, a feat described by fellow player and local orthodontist Dr. Mark Tuggins as “impressive for someone no longer protected by a line of 300-pound millionaires.” Sideline nutritionist Becky Plummer was equally dumbfounded: “I saw Tom almost run. Like, physically run. I didn’t think that was possible without a motorized scooter.”

The aftermath has reverberated through the sports world and government. Rep. Jim Grossman (R-OK) has called for a congressional inquiry into “how it’s even possible for Tom Brady to lose to a squad whose tallest member is a high school basketball referee.” Meanwhile, flag football purist and local PE teacher Rita McCafferty warned, “If Brady can lose twice in one day, we must reexamine the core principles of American exceptionalism.”

While Brady has yet to announce whether he’ll retire for a fourth time, sources close to the quarterback say he’s considering switching to pickleball, where, according to initial polls, 58% of the country already anticipates eventual heartbreak.