WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a stirring display of patriotism, millions of Americans flooded online retailers this Presidents Day weekend to commemorate the leadership of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln by purchasing discount robot vacuums, bone conduction headphones, and OLED televisions with minor price reductions.

“It’s what the Founders would have wanted,” said Stephanie Lorman, 31, while buying a refurbished Eufy X10 Pro Omni that can both vacuum and emotionally neglect her children for $279.99. “Every year, I honor Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation by buying a $900 LG B5 OLED TV for my cat’s bedroom. The savings make me feel closer to history.”

According to a recent Pew survey, 87% of citizens believe Presidents Day now celebrates the ability to purchase a 45W Anker Nano Charger for $29.98, or the American ideal that, with the swipe of a credit card, anyone can own a Nespresso VertuoPlus for a price Thomas Jefferson would have deemed suspiciously low.

Major retailers joined in the solemn festivities. “For three days only, you can experience the freedom of a 77-inch LG G5 OLED TV—just $1,500 off—a price drop as monumental as the Gettysburg Address,” intoned Best Buy spokesman Bryce Altman while dressed as John Adams trapped inside a 15-foot inflatable Sonos Arc soundbar.

Local history buff Travis Dunham agreed. “I read that John Quincy Adams was the first president to put in-wall Sonos speakers in the West Wing—so it just feels right to buy during this sacred time,” Dunham said as he clipped a $59.95 JBL Clip 5 to his belt.