In a stunning coup for both consumer technology and existential dread, Apple has announced that the Apple Watch Series 11 is once again available for its lowest-ever price of $299—just $100 less than the price of contemplating mortality without helpful notifications.

The Apple Watch Series 11 is now accessible to anyone who wants to track their health, ignore calls from relatives, and get reminded hourly about their suboptimal standing time, all while customizing their experience with a new $14.99 band. The device features up to 24 hours of battery life, a bright wide-angle OLED screen, and enough hypertension notifications to keep hypochondriacs entertained for months.

“This is a game changer for the everyday American who wants to know exactly when they’re dying, but also likes to change the color of their wristband every four days,” said Apple spokesperson Tiffany Jarlson while navigating her own stress levels via Ultra-Wideband chip readings. “It’s never been cheaper to obsess about your declining step count.”

The upcoming watchOS 27 will add Siri AI, capable of gently reminding users about overdue text responses and unresolved childhood traumas, and a redesigned app grid that ensures customers can more easily lose their place while trying to find the calculator. “With Siri AI, my watch can now recommend breathing exercises for my existential panic spiral,” noted early adopter Quentin Blass, 34. “It also schedules a FaceTime with my therapist every time my blood pressure spikes.”

Not to be outdone, Walmart, Amazon, and Target have joined the sale in a massive synchronized act of retail harmony. “We’re proud to help Americans monitor their heart rates at prices we can all ignore until next Prime Day,” confirmed Target executive Jenna Nishimoto. Next year’s model is rumored to feature a built-in will-writing app.