CANBERRA — In stunning news sure to lift the spirits of tens of Australians, top economists have officially declared that Australia is not in recession — instead, the nation is merely enduring ‘an extended bout of financial listlessness with a hint of existential malaise.’

‘On the bright side, global oil prices have dropped, so households can now drive to the grocery store to buy food they still can’t afford,’ explained Treasury spokesperson Dr. Penelope Glumly, while stapling down her own lunch to keep seagulls away. ‘Technically, that’s what we call progress.’

After months of fearing economic catastrophe, financial experts are thrilled to announce things are only moderately bleak, with GDP growth forecast to hover at a perky 0.2%, a number described by Reserve Bank analyst Gavin Puddleworth as ‘not negative, which is what passes for optimism around here.’

‘Do I feel better knowing it’s not an official recession?’ mused Sydney resident Barb Chigwell. ‘Absolutely. It brings me immense joy as I choose between heating and dinner.’

The government remains hopeful. ‘With conflict in the Middle East easing and the cost of petrol dropping, we’re proud to say that Australians’ wallets are now only being lightly pummeled rather than violently mugged,’ chirped Assistant Minister for Cheerful News, Colin Fandango, while distributing participation ribbons to passing schoolchildren.

Economists say that while the future looks ‘dreary,’ Australians can take comfort in knowing that at least their suffering is now slightly less historically significant.