Amidst mounting outrage over skyrocketing house prices, Australia’s most vulnerable demographic—the multi-property landlord—have bravely spoken out in defence of their God-given right to exploit loopholes for fun and profit.

A recent analysis by the e61 Institute found that the potent combination of capital gains tax discounts and negative gearing has enabled landlords to lovingly cradle mountains of debt while simultaneously purchasing every available home in sight. The findings are expected to prompt national reforms or, at the very least, some exceptionally well-catered parliamentary brunches.

“It’s not about greed,” insisted Chad Pennington, owner of 37 rental units and a modest block of Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs. “I just have an emotional connection to capital gains. Every time the tax office tries to touch them, I feel it here,” he said, gesturing vaguely at his wallet.

Aspiring landlord influencer Bronwyn McPhee, whose online course ‘Manifesting Your First 12 Properties’ boasts dozens of irritated renters in the comments section, agreed: “If the government removes negative gearing, I might have to downgrade one of my Audis. That’s not just unfair, it’s un-Australian.”

Meanwhile, Treasury officials remain cautiously optimistic. “We’re considering a compromise: landlords keep their tax breaks if they promise to sleep in every house they own at least once a year,” said finance spokesperson Damien Croft, who was seen checking rental listings during the interview.

As Canberra weighs its options, landlords have threatened to host an emergency brunch, to which only property owners are invited. The event will be strictly bring-your-own-caterer.