• Sport

Minnesota Sues Trump Administration for Failing to Deport Even One Passive-Aggressive Resident; Supreme Court Wonders If High School Wrestling Now Counts as Olympic Event

Penny PunchlineJanuary 14, 2026

Minnesota sues the Trump administration over ICE enforcement priorities as the Supreme Court hears cases on transgender athletes' participation in women's sports.

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• Politics

Nation Unites To Protect Jerome Powell, Last Known Practitioner Of Dark, Mysterious ‘Economics’

Penny PunchlineJanuary 13, 2026

Democrats, Republicans, and former Fed chairs unite to condemn a criminal investigation into Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell, amid fears the central bank could fall under the control of a presidential sock puppet.

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• Technology

Nation’s Health To Skyrocket After Mass Purchase Of $84 Fitness Trackers, Immediately Destroyed By $11 Blu-rays And Couch Gravity

Penny PunchlineJanuary 12, 2026

Americans' health briefly surges after mass purchase of discounted fitness trackers but plummets as citizens immediately succumb to Blu-ray deals and marathon movie sessions.

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• Economy

Iranian Bazaar Merchants Protest After Realizing You Can’t Barter Carpets For Wi-Fi Anymore

Penny PunchlineJanuary 11, 2026

Tehran’s bazaar merchants launch unprecedented protests, demanding the restoration of their traditional economic power in the face of modern technology and state regulations.

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• Politics

Trump Cancels Second Wave of Attacks on Venezuela After Realizing He Could Just Ask Nicely Instead

Penny PunchlineJanuary 10, 2026

President Trump called off planned military attacks on Venezuela after officials there released prisoners and agreed to cooperate on oil, surprising advisors with his newfound embrace of polite negotiation.

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• Sport

UCLA Women’s Basketball Vows to Beat Wildfires by Double Digits, Signs Strategic Alliance with Nature Itself

Penny PunchlineJanuary 10, 2026

UCLA women’s basketball announces a new partnership to fight wildfires and strengthen community ties amid shifting college sports dynamics.

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• Economy

Power Bank Designed to Snap in Half Brings Joy to Millennials Raised on Sharing Trauma and KitKats

Penny PunchlineJanuary 10, 2026

Nimble’s new Champ Stack 10K is a breakable power bank designed for people who want to share battery life without sharing generosity.

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• Politics

Senate Reminds President He Cannot Invade Foreign Nations Without At Least a Heads-Up, Preferably a PowerPoint

Penny PunchlineJanuary 9, 2026

The US Senate passes a resolution requiring President Trump to notify Congress before taking additional military action against Venezuela, following a surprise weekend raid.

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• Politics

Minnesota GOP ‘Shocked’ To Discover Winning Elections Is Easier When Opponent Buried Under 600,000 Fraud Allegations

Penny PunchlineJanuary 8, 2026

Minnesota Republicans see a sudden chance to win a Senate seat after Democratic Governor Tim Walz quits re-election amid a massive fraud scandal, leaving his party in disarray.

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• Sport

Trump Calls On NFL To ‘Hire John Harbaugh, Fast,’ Offers To Coach If No One Steps Up

Penny PunchlineJanuary 8, 2026

After John Harbaugh's firing from the Ravens, Donald Trump urged NFL teams to hire him and volunteered to coach himself if no one else would.

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