• Politics

Trump Orders Tech CEOs To Power AI With Pure American Grit, Vows ChatGPT Will Run On Patriotism By 2025

Penny PunchlineMarch 5, 2026

President Trump gathers top tech CEOs at the White House to sign a pledge ensuring America's AI runs on patriotism instead of electricity, aiming to lower household energy costs.

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• Sport

Resident Evil Requiem Celebrates 30th Anniversary by Making New Players Study for Final Exam They’ll Inevitably Fail

Penny PunchlineMarch 2, 2026

Capcom's new Resident Evil Requiem now requires new players to master decades of franchise lore before they can play, overwhelming newcomers and delighting hardcore fans with nostalgia.

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• Politics

Congress Furious Trump Did Not Even Send War Emoji Before Launching Iran Strikes

Penny PunchlineMarch 1, 2026

Congressional leaders criticized President Trump for launching strikes on Iran without notifying them, even failing to send any emoji alerts before the attack.

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• Politics

Pentagon Furious After AI Company Refuses to Loosen Guardrails, Demands Permission to Build Slightly More Thoughtful Terminators

Penny PunchlineFebruary 28, 2026

AI company Anthropic refuses to allow the Pentagon to use its models for mass surveillance and autonomous weapons, leading to a heated standoff over the future of thoughtful killer robots.

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• Economy

Camorra Opens State-of-the-Art ‘Drive-Thru Morgue’ at Naples Hospital; Insurance Plans Accepted, Loyalty Points Offered

Penny PunchlineFebruary 27, 2026

Italian police arrested four people for allegedly turning a Naples hospital into a center for mafia-run insurance fraud and illegal corpse transport.

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• Economy

Iranian Leaders Assure Public Their Children’s Lavish London Lifestyles ‘A Vital Part Of Anti-Western Resistance’

Penny PunchlineFebruary 26, 2026

Iranian officials justify funding their children’s lavish Western lifestyles as a form of anti-Western resistance, amid worsening conditions for ordinary Iranians.

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• Politics

Nation Unites as 32% of Americans Finally Agree on Something: Trump’s Priorities Include Wearing Crown, Requiring Everyone to Say ‘You’re Hired’

Penny PunchlineFebruary 25, 2026

A new poll finds just 32% of Americans approve of Trump's priorities, as dozens of Democratic lawmakers boycott his State of the Union for an alternative event.

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• Entertainment

Former Netflix CEO Donates $5 Million to Ukraine, Requests War Be Resolved in Eight Episodes or Less

Penny PunchlineFebruary 25, 2026

Former Netflix CEO Reed Hastings donates $5 million to Ukraine, with a tongue-in-cheek request that the conflict be resolved in a bingeable, limited-series format.

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• Sport

Shohei Ohtani to Perform Interpretive Dance Recaps of Baseball Games on TikTok, MLB Announces Bold Plan to Reach Gen Z

Penny PunchlineFebruary 25, 2026

Major League Baseball and TikTok partner to have Shohei Ohtani recreate game highlights through viral dances in a bid to attract Gen Z fans.

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• Economy

UK Officials Confident in Securing ‘Best Possible Deal’ for British Firms, Define ‘Best’ as ‘Not Worst’

Penny PunchlineFebruary 23, 2026

The UK government says it's pursuing the 'best possible deal' for British firms amid US tariff threats, with officials defining 'best' as anything better than total humiliation.

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