LONDON—In a dramatic defense of its long-cherished traditions, the Kingdom of Bahrain argued before the UK Supreme Court this week that it possesses a time-honored right to eavesdrop on critics abroad with total impunity, citing what the state refers to as “sovereign immunity from basic decency.”

Bahraini officials, who are accused of installing surveillance software on the laptops of activists Saeed Al-Khalaf and Mona Al-Haji while they were living peacefully in London, insist that any attempt to hold them accountable is both culturally insensitive and, frankly, a major buzzkill.

“For centuries, kings have enjoyed the God-given privilege of spying on their enemies no matter what country they happen to be hiding in,” said Sheikh Abdulrahman bin Surveillance al-Khalifa, Bahrain’s official Minister for Domestic and International Eavesdropping. “To deny us the right to violate foreign privacy laws is to erase who we are as a people.”

In court filings, Bahraini lawyers cited their homeland’s revered Traditional Extraterritorial Bugging Festival, during which royals and ministers compete to hack the most dissidents’ laptops in a single evening. “This is our heritage,” argued lead attorney Sir Nigel Tapeworm, QC, who added, “If countries can’t secretly monitor activists overseas, what’s the point of even having embassies?”

Legal experts predict the case will have enormous implications. “If the court rules against Bahrain, next thing you know, governments everywhere will be expected to follow the law,” warned Dr. Penelope Espionage, Professor of International Law at the University of Oxford. “Frankly, it’s a slippery slope to total anarchy.”

The Supreme Court’s ruling is expected soon, unless all justices’ webcams suddenly malfunction.