WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a last-ditch effort that experts are calling both ‘historic’ and ‘tragically needy,’ America’s leading tech lobbyists have staged a desperate sit-in at the Capitol Rotunda, hoping Congress will finally accept one last batch of complimentary WiFi routers and 6-month Hulu trial subscriptions in exchange for a soft, federally-mandated AI hug.

Sources say the lobbyists have been reduced to tossing branded USB sticks toward passing lawmakers and shouting, “Preemption! Preemption for everyone!” as the Senate continues to ignore their carefully formatted PowerPoints.

“We just want a simple, nationwide law that allows us to accidentally surveil the Midwest in peace,” pleaded Lisa Murdoch, head of Government Affairs at DataChomp, while unpacking a crate labeled ‘Gifts for Schumer: Do Not Return.’ “This patchwork of state laws is so confusing we actually had to read them. I got a paper cut!”

Meanwhile, politicians remain unmoved. “Nice bribes, but they forgot the tote bags,” grumbled Sen. Marsha Blackburn, eyeing a branded fidget spinner suspiciously. “If Amazon’s not even sending an Alexa with the premium voice, what are we even legislating for?”

Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer emerged briefly to address the ongoing lobbyist encampment. “If Big Tech wants preemption, they need to show a little more effort,” Schumer said while pocketing a monogrammed Meta mouse pad. “Maybe next year they’ll think of something truly bipartisan, like free iPads for every senator’s nephew.”

At press time, Google’s representatives were seen knitting Congress a throw blanket made entirely of NDA agreements, which sources say Schumer will ‘definitely consider’ once he finishes the Hulu trial.