VANCOUVER — In a shocking victory for both international collaboration and unconventional work-from-home arrangements, retired RCMP officer William Majcher was acquitted Friday of national security charges after a judge determined that ‘helping Chinese police gently persuade a local real estate investor to return to China’ is, at most, aggressive customer service.

Majcher, a former member of the RCMP’s financial crimes unit and self-described ‘networking enthusiast,’ faced accusations that he acted as an agent for China. The prosecution alleged he pressured a Vancouver-area real estate mogul—whose only crime, aside from fraud, is still selling condos with granite countertops in 2024—to fly back to China for a totally voluntary ‘chat.’

“I’m not a spy, I’m just really passionate about international cooperation,” Majcher told reporters outside the courthouse, double-checking his Huawei phone for WeChat updates. “Frankly, I’d help anyone repatriate—except maybe Toronto investors. They’re on their own.”

Justice Elaine Chouinard ruled the prosecution failed to prove Majcher’s actions were anything other than well-intentioned cross-border mediation. “If every Canadian who did a favor for Beijing was guilty of espionage, half of Vancouver would be in jail,” she wrote in her decision.

Chinese consulate spokesperson Wen Qiang praised the verdict: “We appreciate Canada’s understanding that sometimes, all you need to bring people home is a polite suggestion and a 500-page dossier of personal information.”

Meanwhile, the accused real estate investor, last seen nervously booking a one-way flight to Nunavut, released a statement: “I’m not worried at all. I’m sure this is all just a big misunderstanding—right, guys?”