In a shocking twist to the ongoing phone-hacking saga, London’s High Court heard Monday that a motley crew of public figures—including Prince Harry, Elton John, and Dame Doreen Lawrence—were ‘induced’ to sue the Daily Mail by a private investigator with all the credibility of a YouTube conspiracy theorist.

The investigator, who reportedly introduced himself at dinner parties as ‘Special Agent X,’ has since spectacularly disowned all his initial claims of illegal activity, leaving the celebrity plaintiffs in what legal experts describe as a “group chat of confusion.” According to defense lawyers, the PI’s original pitch included ‘guaranteed front-page justice, a signed photo of Liz Hurley, and a free consultation with Meghan Markle’s former communications director.’

“He said I could win millions and finally get my revenge on the press for that unfortunate hat photo,” explained an anonymous plaintiff who described themselves as ‘royalty, but not the boring kind.’ “He also offered me a discount on a Timeshare in Marbella if I joined the lawsuit. It was simply too good to pass up.”

David Furnish, Elton John’s husband, insists he was swayed by the investigator’s handwritten pamphlet. “Who wouldn’t trust an investigation that comes with crayon infographics and a coupon for free Afternoon Tea?” he said. “This is clearly the legitimate path to justice.”

A spokesperson for Associated Newspapers noted, “We categorically deny all allegations and point out that, once again, the only crime here is the overuse of Comic Sans in legal correspondence.”

The High Court is expected to rule within weeks, or possibly after it has received confirmation from at least two additional fortune tellers.