In a move that stunned international observers but absolutely no one familiar with his travel schedule, President Donald Trump has rescheduled his highly anticipated trip to meet Chinese President Xi Jinping, citing an urgent need to micromanage the entire Iran war from the comfort of his Mar-a-Lago golf cart.

Originally slated for next week, Trump’s first China visit in eight years has now been pushed to May 14–15. In a statement posted to Truth Social—typed, according to aides, using the voice-to-text function while lining up a putt—Trump declared, “I have so many wars right now. I’m the busiest president in the history of presidents. More wars than Lincoln, maybe even Napoleon.”

White House Press Secretary Biff McAllister attempted to reassure international partners that the president’s absence from China was, in fact, a demonstration of strength. “The president feels his physical proximity to a world map is essential to American victory. Also, he’s got a coupon for unlimited shrimp at the club this weekend, so timing is everything.”

Chinese diplomats reportedly expressed mixed feelings about the delay. Senior Liaison Hu Maodeng commented, “We are prepared to host President Trump whenever he is not occupied with global military operations or tweeting about Diet Coke.”

Meanwhile, Trump promised to make it up to Xi with an extravagant reciprocal visit: “We’ll do a big state dinner at one of my hotels, maybe even at the Olive Garden in D.C.—it’s never been done before. Very classy, everyone says so.”

Analysts predict Trump’s remote war management may redefine the concept of ‘leading from behind,’ especially if satellite links to the 18th hole remain stable.