NEW YORK — The CNN newsroom faced a minor reality collapse Tuesday night after panelist Bakari Sellers likened a hypothetical fusion of Hunter Biden and California Governor Gavin Newsom to a “weird Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle that steals laptops and hair gel.”

Sellers, evidently inspired by both 1980s nostalgia and a deep confusion over the current state of American politics, made the comparison during a heated segment about President Biden’s defense of a Maine federal nominee. “Imagine a green, shell-backed guy who can wire you $10,000 from his dad’s account, then veto your rent control,” Sellers explained confidently. “That’s democracy’s ultimate weapon.”

The comment left fellow panelists in a spiral of introspection and adolescent flashbacks. CNN’s Jim Acosta, attempting to maintain composure, remarked, “I always thought Hunter Biden was more of a Donatello, but maybe with Newsom’s charisma, he could finally pull off a convincing Michelangelo.”

Meanwhile, pop culture analyst Dr. Wendy Plimpton offered, “The nation isn’t ready for a mutant who wields both nunchucks and campaign talking points. Frankly, the villainous Shredder is less daunting than a Newsom-Biden family barbecue.”

When reached for comment, teenage Biden family member Max Biden simply texted a crying-laughing emoji followed by a pizza slice and turtle shell, suggesting, as always, that nothing is real and everything is content.