BOGOTÁ — As Colombia heads to the polls, citizens are dusting off their bulletproof vests and reheating leftover empanadas in anticipation of what experts describe as a ‘delightful throwback’ to the era of widespread armed conflict, sources confirmed Sunday.

With frontrunner Abelardo de la Espriella—millionaire lawyer, part-time Trump cosplayer, and full-time nostalgia enthusiast—promising to scrap President Gustavo Petro’s ‘total peace’ plan, many voters say they’re excited for a little old-fashioned chaos. ‘Honestly, I missed dodging stray bullets during my morning commute,’ said Bogotá accountant Luisa Camacho. ‘It kept me sharp. Under total peace, I’ve put on five pounds and lost all sense of adventure.’

Espriella’s campaign pledges include a return to full-scale military confrontation with armed groups and free commemorative walkie-talkies for every citizen. ‘Colombia was never more alive than when helicopters drowned out every conversation,’ Espriella told a roaring crowd, who reportedly misted up at the sound of simulated gunfire. ‘Together, we can Make Colombia Loud Again.’

However, not everyone is convinced. ‘I just bought new furniture, and blood stains void the warranty,’ complained Medellín retiree Sergio López. ‘I was hoping for civil unrest, not a total redecorating project.’

Meanwhile, international observers are already canceling flights. ‘We’d love to monitor the elections, but we’re allergic to nostalgia and shrapnel,’ said UN official Daphne Petrescu, speaking from the safety of a lead-lined panic room.