WASHINGTON, D.C.—Following TikTok’s announcement that it had formed the ‘USDS Joint Venture LLC’ to satisfy vague legal requirements, members of Congress appeared deeply confident that somebody, somewhere, understands what’s happening with the viral video app. Lawmakers who personally banned TikTok in 2023 held an impromptu press conference Thursday to admit they have absolutely no idea if the law is being followed, what Oracle does, or why Michael Dell’s family is suddenly involved.

“Look, I support national security,” affirmed Senator Martha Elkley (R–KY), “but I also support TikTok’s new U.S. Data-Something Something LLC. I haven’t read the bill, but the acronym looks reassuring.” Senator Elkley then requested the press to stop asking if she had downloaded the app.

According to TikTok’s official statement, ownership of the company’s U.S. operations now consists of ByteDance (19.9 percent), Oracle (a number that sounds trustworthy), Silver Lake, MGX, Michael Dell’s extended family, and the 2006 World Champion Miami Heat. Congress responded decisively by scheduling a bipartisan study group to ‘Google what an algorithm actually is.’

“We’re confident this new Delaware-registered joint venture will keep America’s data secure, or at the very least, stored in an Oracle-branded box,” said Representative Phil Gusman (D–CA), who plans to celebrate the achievement by doing the ‘Congress Shuffle’ on TikTok. “Plus, my nephew tells me the filters are getting really good.”

Reached for comment, Oracle CEO Larry Ellison replied: “We now own at least 64% of a vibe, and that’s what matters.”