WASHINGTON—In a landmark case for both the arts and real estate branding, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit ruled Wednesday that the Kennedy Center will somehow endure without being rechristened as the ‘Trump Kennedy Center for the Dramatic Arts, Golf, and Taco Bowls.’ The Center’s claim that its donor-funded chandelier would dim financially without Trump’s golden stamp was described by the court as ‘unsupported by facts, logic, or the fourth dimension.’

The suit, initially filed by the Donald Trump Foundation for Spontaneous Naming Rights, argued that re-attaching Trump’s name would ‘bring tremendous class, the best class, to an otherwise frankly failing institution.’ The Center maintains it will continue focusing on the performing arts, despite warnings from some corners that a ‘Trump deficit’ would inevitably result in jazz hands bankruptcy.

“Any facility not branded with the Trump name immediately loses all access to caviar and velvet ropes,” said Clifford Duntley, Senior Fellow at the Mar-a-Lago Center for Advanced Naming. “Frankly, I don’t know how they’ll attract Les Misérables without the promise of golf carts.”

However, Kennedy Center board member Linda Pristwood assured patrons, “We believe the arts can survive without gold-plated plastic letters. Our ushers will continue wearing tuxedos, not branded jumpsuits.”

Mr. Trump himself reacted on Truth Social, declaring, “Sad! Most people say theater was invented by me. This is why Broadway is dying.” Experts predict the Center’s next challenge will be to survive an unsolicited offer to install a 30-foot portrait of Andrew Jackson in the orchestra pit.