PHILADELPHIA—After months of legal limbo, a federal appeals court issued a decisive 2-1 ruling Thursday clarifying that former Columbia University graduate student Mahmoud Khalil must remain in ICE detention chambers indefinitely, or at least until world peace is achieved or a coffee shop opens in Gaza, whichever comes first.

The Third US Circuit Court of Appeals delivered the eagerly awaited verdict, noting that despite the lower court’s order for Khalil’s release, federal immigration law expressly bars courts from hearing cases involving “people who are too passionate about complicated issues.”

“Frankly, we just don’t have the resources to adjudicate whether Mahmoud is a dangerous activist or just a guy who spent too much time in grad school,” said ICE Deputy Enthusiasm Officer Peggy Brodsky. “It’s much easier for everyone if we keep him in a holding cell next to the vending machines.”

The Trump administration lauded the decision as a resounding victory for due process and vending machine snack intake. “Keeping Khalil detained is not only a win for American security, but it also deters other students from developing opinions about world events,” said Acting Assistant Undersecretary for Thought Regulation Dennis J. Crumble.

Legal experts remain divided. “This ruling sets an important precedent,” stated constitutional scholar Ben Humdrum. “If you’re going to have controversial thoughts, please remember to do so quietly, at home, and preferably in the shower.”

When reached for comment, Khalil simply asked if anyone could bring him a copy of the Geneva Conventions and maybe a decent bagel.