THIKA, KENYA—In a bold move to “enhance peace through slightly less alarming violence,” multinational food giant Del Monte announced this week that its pineapple farm—already infamous for an ongoing string of fatalities—will double down on deterrence by offering a loyalty program to security contractors for every confirmed trespasser.

The announcement comes after British security firm G4S replaced Del Monte’s in-house team amid prior killings, resulting in what experts describe as “a seamless transition from regular to premium misfortune for intruders.”

“We at G4S pride ourselves on introducing British efficiency to the time-honored tradition of agricultural homicide,” said Reginald Brown, G4S’s regional director, while unveiling a commemorative pineapple-shaped riot baton. “Our guards now wear smart uniforms and keep detailed logs of whose funeral is next.”

Local families remain unconvinced. “We hoped hiring a big foreign company meant we’d have fewer killings,” said Mary Wanjiku, a resident and part-time pineapple peeler. “But apparently it just meant the paperwork doubled.”

Kenyan MP Joseph Njoroge called on Del Monte to consider less lethal options, such as “giant pineapple-shaped scarecrows or strongly worded signage.” However, the company insists its new system works. “At least now, when someone is bludgeoned for crossing the road, they receive a receipt and a polite apology in English,” said Del Monte spokesperson Harriet Blatchley.

Del Monte confirmed plans to pilot a customer feedback form for trespassers, with survivors promised a 10% discount on their next fruit purchase—terms and conditions apply.