DETROIT—Citing the existential threat posed by President Trump’s escalating trade war with Canada, Detroit officials on Monday unveiled a bold new economic survival strategy: “Build Your Own Car” kits, now available at participating 7-Eleven stores.

The announcement comes as $1 billion worth of auto parts, syrup, and apologetic Canadian letters remain stranded on either side of the Ambassador Bridge. With tariffs halting critical shipments of wheels, windows, and fake wood paneling, Mayor Beatrice Knudsen assured residents that the new kits would, “at the very least, get families mostly drivable vehicles in about 14 to 16 months.”

“We wanted to offer something hopeful in these dark times,” said city economic advisor Chad Billings, demonstrating how to assemble a sedan using only a socket wrench, maple sap, and positive thinking. “Detroit was built by the auto industry, and if we have to return to the era of handcrafted, questionably-legal transportation, so be it.”

Area resident Lori McGinty said she was excited for the new program, explaining, “I’ve always wanted to build a car with my kids, especially now that none of us are employed. Also, it’s nice to have something to do while we wait for the price of cheese to drop below $30 a pound.”

As the trade dispute drags on, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has allegedly offered to lift tariffs if President Trump agrees not to build a hockey wall along the border, but the White House remains firm. “We’re not backing down until Detroit learns to build cars out of what God provided: American steel, hope, and pure, uncut corn syrup,” said White House spokesperson Linda Flexner.