BURBANK, CA — Vowing to uphold its reputation for “family-friendly enchantment and meticulously accidental oversight,” Disney responded to former child star Raquel Lee’s explosive lawsuit this week by rolling out its new ‘Magical Negligence’ legal strategy. The company, facing accusations that a middle-aged employee raped the then-14-year-old Lee during production of the 2001 movie “The Poof Point,” announced it would henceforth issue all staff members complimentary blindfolds to “optimize plausible deniability.”

“We take allegations of horrific criminal misconduct very seriously—especially when they threaten to disrupt our upcoming ‘100 Years of Wholesome Magic’ TikTok campaign,” said Michael Frost, Disney’s Vice President of Distraction. “Our new slogan is: ‘See No Evil, Hear No Scandal, Speak in Corporate Vague-ese.'”

Park guests expressed relief. “I feel much safer knowing every Disney employee I encounter is legally discouraged from noticing literally anything,” said annual passholder Cindy Sparkles, 38, while navigating a Tinkerbell-themed human resources labyrinth. “The magic really is alive!”

Meanwhile, Disney’s in-house legal counsel, Trevor Schneebly, assured the public that “appropriate measures” are always taken. “We’ve run mandatory trust-fall exercises, and our legal department has personally warned all characters against making eye contact with children or adult humans.”

In an internal memo leaked to reporters, newly appointed Chief Liability Officer Goofy was quoted as saying, “Gawrsh! Maybe next time, we’ll just film everything in a virtual metaverse where nobody can actually touch anything—or anyone.”