DUBAI—Modern banking has entered a bold new era as Dubai Islamic Bank (DIB) unveiled its latest innovation: the ‘Forever Loan,’ personally demonstrated by 71-year-old British businessman Ryan Cornelius, who is set to repay his loan for the next 30 years from the comfort of Dubai Central Prison.

DIB, a market leader in both Islamic finance and creative sentencing, cited Cornelius’ ongoing 30-year jail term as an example of customer loyalty gone right. ‘We are proud to announce our new Customer Commitment Plan,’ said bank spokesperson Nadira Al-Greed. ‘Mr. Cornelius is truly a pioneer—who says only student loans can follow you to the grave?’

According to recent reports, DIB is on track to make over $2 billion in profit this year, thanks in part to lucrative investments in perpetual sentences for debtors. ‘We don’t just value our clients; we own them, in a metaphorical—and sometimes literal—sense,’ added Al-Greed with a reassuring wink.

Family members have expressed concern that Ryan Cornelius, who will be 84 by the time of his scheduled release, might have difficulty accessing online banking from his cell. DIB responded with its customary compassion, sending him a complimentary abacus and a pamphlet entitled ‘Top 10 Workouts for Cell-Based Entrepreneurs.’

‘Some banks offer a free toaster with your mortgage—DIB offers you the chance to build character through decades of reflection,’ explained financial analyst Hugh Gilt. ‘Frankly, that feels priceless.’

At press time, DIB announced a new rewards program, with points redeemable for extra bread in the mess hall for every year served.