MOSCOW—The Russian judicial system took a bold stand for national security Tuesday by finding 18-year-old street musician Alina Petrova guilty of “discrediting” the Russian army after she daringly strummed a banned anti-Kremlin song on her ukulele, an instrument authorities now believe is ‘highly subversive.’ Petrova, whose criminal playlist includes hits like ‘Give Peace a Chance’ and ‘Putin’s Got No Rhythm,’ was sentenced to pay a crippling 30,000 ruble fine—an amount experts estimate could buy nearly half a tank of gas in Moscow.

“Playing music with opinions is dangerously close to thinking with opinions,” warned Major Vasily Dronov, spokesperson for the Committee on Melodic Security. “We cannot let unlicensed harmonies destabilize the nation.”

Witnesses say Petrova’s performance drew a crowd of at least four, most of whom immediately dispersed upon realizing it wasn’t the theme from Tetris. Local grocer Irina Sobchak, who witnessed the incident, described the scene: “She started playing, and before I knew it, I had the sudden urge to question authority. It was terrifying.”

In response to the outcry, Russian lawmakers have introduced emergency legislation requiring all street musicians to pre-submit song lyrics to the Ministry of Vibes. “We must ensure our public spaces are safe from dangerous ideas and unsanctioned chord progressions,” announced Duma member Sergei Blinov at a press conference, where journalists were reportedly frisked for harmonicas on entry.

Petrova, now banned from playing within 500 meters of any government building, remains defiant. “They can take my ukulele,” she said, “but they’ll never take my ability to whistle off-key in the shower.”